I had a really sh*t day yesterday. For most of the day I was crying intermittently. Not good.

Firstly, I got my letter from the sleep clinic.

“I am pleased to report that it doesn’t show any evidence of significant obstruction to your airway although there are the odd episodes of restriction of breathing but these are not to any worrying degree. Having read your notes I was slightly surprised but pleased to see this.”

8 weeks. 8 weeks I waited for that one paragraph. Bummer. So. I am, officially, just a lazy cow then. If it’s not apnea, it’s not blood-sugar related, it’s not liver function, it’s not anemia, it’s not my thyroid, then I’m stuck as to why I’m so bloody tired all the time! The thing is though, K has heard me sleeping. She has recorded me stopping breathing and waking up gasping for air. How can that NOT be significant??? Last week was SO difficult - I was SO tired. It felt like I’d been up all night and had gone to work without going to be first. But I got through it. And then I got that letter. Yes, it’s good that they don’t think I have apnea. But that means I’m back to square one trying to figure this out. I cried for hours after getting the letter. I just felt so trapped. That result, to me, means I’m stuck in my current job, stuck with needing to sleep most of the weekend away, stuck with not having the energy for exercise, stuck to being so bloody tired.

Apnea would have explained so much. The reason why I’m so depressed at the moment. The reason I’m so tired. The reason I keep crying and why I’m in such a bad mood. My sore throats and headaches. How I can’t seem to think straight most of the time and I keep forgetting things. Maybe even why my stomach is so dodgy a lot of the time. And if it was apnea, then there’s something that could have been done about it. Not a cure - but a treatment. So I was very disheartened yesterday.

Then, as I was driving the dogs to the woods for a walk, some stupid driver pulled out into my right of way. (there were cars parked on his side of the road). We subsequently got stuck and I couldn’t reverse because there was a car behind me. I had to mount the pavement to get past. And, originally enough, he called me a ‘fatty’ as he went past. Not in the best of moods, I replied with a ‘prick’ once he’d gone past and then just cried.

I spent the walk not talking to K or the dogs really, and just trying to figure out a way forward. I have decided that somehow, I’ll get a copy of my sleep study report and have a look at it myself. If needs be, I’ll get a second opinion and go for another sleep study. If I have to, I’ll go private and pay for it myself. I DO NOT believe that there’s nothing wrong with my sleeping. Maybe I’m just not stopping breathing for the requisite 10seconds or something. I don’t know. But I’m sure I can do a ‘Data subject access request’ (WARNING - PDF FILE) to get a copy of my report. I’ll see what I can get hold of.

As for the stupid driver.. Well, I’ll just have to put up with that for the foreseeable future I think. I need to get a thicker skin, I know, else I’ll just end up crying whenever someone calls me fat. Which seems to be quite often nowadays. I don’t know why I’m so sensitive. Maybe it’s because it’s the summer. I always HATED the summer holidays. I much preferred to be at school. I dreaded Easter, Summer, Half-Term. Maybe it’s Seasonal Affective Disorder, only I get depressed in the summer. Meh. Who knows?

Though I have my party tomorrow. K has been very busy organizing party games, themed party bowls and cups, etc. We built the Argos barbecue today and got most of the party food and drink (soft drinks only) delivered from Tesco today. Still loads to do tomorrow - jacket potatoes, potato salad, make ice, have a shower, take dogs out, pick up the bread ordered at the bakers and get more barbecue charcoal. And the party starts at 1!

I’m not sure what’s planned for Sunday, which is my actual birthday. That’s in K’s hands. 30. I’ll be 30. It feels a bit weird really. But at least I’m not a smoker at 30. I gave up over a year ago now.. Though yesterday I REALLY fancied a fag.

Anyway. It’s past my bedtime. Gotta dash!

Yes, I’ve just upgraded my Wordpress installation. As you can see, I’m having a few problems with the links in my right hand sidebar.

Having not upgraded or messed around with the installation for a LONG time now, I’m a little rusty on getting it fixed. I need to upgrade my Themes, so you may get some colour and design changes over the next few weeks. So please bear with me.. I am working on it!

(I HAD to upgrade because I got sick of spammers removing posts and inserting stupid links in them).

Well, I seem to be having a bit of a down time lately. I’m miserable, fed up and crying all the time. I’m finding it difficult to keep myself together a lot of the time. *sigh*

I *know* that it’s probably just a blip. I know that, because of the way I’m feeling, I’m probably not thinking straight. I know that things aren’t *really* as bad as I feel at the moment. But depression doesn’t listen to reason. IT doesn’t listen to logic. And it’s back. Again. Maybe just temporarily. But it’s definitely back.

I think it’s a combination of things all coming together that have made me feel really fed up and just really down. It’s my 30th birthday soon, and I think that maybe that is weighing on my mind. It’s a ’special’ birthday. But the idea of a party, get together or anything is just too stressful to think about. I’ve left it all up to K, so that I’m not totally disappointed when nobody turns up (again). I’m having an afternoon party as there’s a big club night on that night. I don’t want anyone staying over and being there on the morning of my birthday, so that reduces the list of guests to invite. I just want it to be me, K and the doggies on my birthday. Nobody else. But it might seem rude saying to people ‘no, you can’t stay over because I don’t want you here’. Ho hum.

I’m also still waiting for the results of my sleep test. We have tried to call and see if there’s anything they can tell me over the phone, but there’s only ever an answering machine. If it’s not sleep apnea, then I need to get going on trying to find another solution to why I’m so tired all the time. And I am really really tired. I’m exhausted. I’m sick of being tired. That excuse gets lame after a while, but it’s just the truth. I am KNACKERED!

Also, work is really stressing me out. Maybe it’s just because I’m down, or maybe it’s not, but I feel like I’m just not getting anywhere. No matter what I do, it’s not enough. I sent an email today to someone to chase up a document. I copied my boss into it as a courtesy (and to show him I’d done it). He then said to me to make sure that I chase that person up. Erm.. Isn’t that what I just did??? Then, a couple of weeks ago, he asked me to send an email to some bigwig’s P.A to invite them to a meeting. He didn’t know the name of the P.A., so said he would get it for me. Today, he asks if I’ve sent an email to this P.A. I check my emails and then remember that he hadn’t given me her name to send the email to. So he acts like I should have sent this email ages ago and tells me to apologize for the delay in sending the invite. Why is it MY fault that he didn’t give me the name of the person to send the email to??

Also - the last straw was that I booked my annual leave to cover my birthday. I booked around 10 days off. Then last week I get an email (sent to a number of people) saying that he’s off on annual leave AT THE SAME TIME AS ME!!! There are only 2 of us in this project. And if we’re both off, then my agents aren’t supported AT ALL for that time. (He doesn’t care about his agents). It looks unproffessional to both take leave at the same time. It’s downright stupid.

Anyway. I just kinda lost it after that, and don’t want to speak to him. It’s really hard to be polite. Today, I just had to sit there not talking to anyone, because if I’d started talking to anyone I would have ended up crying. Not good!

And then last night, I got REALLY cheesed off. K and I were standing outside Pizza Hut waiting for our (ridiculously expensive) pizzas. I saw a drunk man approach my car and he looked dodgy. He stopped at my car. And he PISSED ON MY CAR!!! I started at him, and he started throwing insults our way - singing “I like big butts and I cannot lie”. How original…

It just gave me the feeling, once again, of being picked on. Of being a teenager at school and being laughed at and pushed around because I didn’t have any friends or because I was last in the dinner queue (after everyone else had pushed in). Of being at university and being shouted and jeered at by local drunken lads because I have big boobs. Of being excluded from work friendship circles, being left behind, drunk and alone after my leaving drinks, or that familiar feeling of being told that the last person who hadn’t cancelled, is now not coming for a drink to celebrate my birthday.

I wanted to fight back. I wanted to punch him. To take out all of those years of being bullied. On. His. Face. To punch him unconscious, smash all his bottles of alcohol and leave him bleeding in the street.

But in the end, I’m sensible. I thought of my job and how a conviction for Assault or GBH would effectively get me sacked. And once again, I backed down and walked away.

Being sensible sucks sometimes.

I’ve had such a rubbish day today, it’s unreal. The number of mistakes I made. Unreal.

Firstly, I got an email from my boss about some work I did last night. I didn’t get a ‘telling off’ as such, just a reminder that I’d done a couple of things wrong.

Then I had to go out to the office. I forgot my pass to get into the building. Then I realized that I’d left some vital paperwork at home. Then I discover that my boss has now put in annual leave at the same time as me. (I booked mine first). This means that my agents will be without support from the organization. There are only two of us. I was mightily cheesed off! It just seems like he doesn’t care. I feel like I’ve been working my bottom off for a few weeks now - been really busy, but it still isn’t bloody good enough. I ask him to do a little thing, and he just bats it back to me without helping. This has happened a few times. He has agreed to new targets and rules for the scheme without me being involved. And I’m the one who will be doing the work - not him!

Anyway. Then I manage to get around the ‘missing vital paperwork’ issue to go and visit a new agent. I get there and she’s not in. I check my diary and discover that I’m half an hour late - that I’d actually booked the appointment for 6pm, but thought I’d booked it for 7pm. I just wanted to cry.

To cheer me up, I’m having lasagna and chips for tea. And I’m watching the football. And I’m not answering my phone. I’m supposed to be on call - as a favour to my boss. Well, he can go jump. I’m not helping him meet his targets if he won’t help me.

Not that I’d ever say anything to him. I need the job. I’m not cut out for a 9-5, so being able to go in late and work late is a Godsend. But as soon as I find out what’s making me so tired (no results yet from the sleep study), then I’ll be SO looking forward to getting a 9-5..

I’ll probably change my mind. But it’s just been one of those days..

Well, I’m not really sure how to follow up that last post. I’ve been busy over the last couple of weeks. Catching up with lots of work after I was off ill for two weeks. But I did find out last week that my job is safe until March next year, so that’s good

K is currently in Spain with work. She left on Friday and gets back on Monday. I am NOT envious. It’s a hard job and I don’t think I could do it. One of the staff members has already gone postal and been sent home!

I managed to get some cleaning and hoovering done the other day, and sprayed dog and child friendly weedkiller over the garden. Me feeling guilty for doing nothing most of the rest of the day! It’s just too HOT! At the moment, I’m very very grateful for my ‘magic cream’ and talc. Summer can be very painful for those of us who are larger than the average bear..

I also managed to get up at quarter to 9 this morning in order to get online and buy tickets to the Cambridge Folk Festival. I got 2 tickets! Yay! So K and I are going to go! Woo hoo! I’ve never been to a festival before, and I’ve always wanted to go to Cambridge. I’m a little disappointed that Kate Rusby won’t be there this year, but still, it should be a good experience

Right. I reckon it’s time to go and get some dinner on. I fancy salad tonight. Maybe with some chips. OR maybe a home made pizza. Mmmmmmmmmm..

I’ve been thinking. Over the past few days, I’ve been thinking the same thought.

I’m a lucky lady.

I’m sitting here, on our new sofa, in the living room of our lovely flat, with two little doggies by my side. I have the television on pause while I write this, an empty glass on the coffee table from the apple & blackcurrant and lemonade I had with my dinner. My mobile phone is next to the laptop, both connected to the wireless network, and the air freshener is spraying lemony fresh every half an hour.

There’s an electric bill in the office. A final bill from our previous supplier. It’s a little expensive for just 2 months supply, but no matter. I’m not worried. We can afford it, see.

There are magnetic letters on our new fridge freezer - spelling out ‘treacky beaks’ and ‘hunny bun’ (baby-talk names for the dogs - Treacle and Hunny). There are dog toys on the floor, bits of dog food on the mats under the dog bowls. (they take out the mixer and put it on the floor so they can get to the chicken. Like a child licking the jam off their bread and leaving the bread on the plate.)

I’m about to take off my ‘good’ shoes (the ones I bought recently in a sale. With proper arch supports) and make my way to the bedroom. To the super-king-size bed which is too high for Treacle to jump up onto.

Life is good at the moment. Yes, I have health ‘issues’, but I’m trying to sort that out. I had my sleep study. I ended up sleeping in the day room of a general medical ward. THe bed was a fold-down jobbie that looks like a cupboard during the day. I had wires on my face, my legs, my hip anda belt around my middle with the recording device on it. I won’t get my results for around 7 weeks though, as they are behind with the reports. I’m really hoping I have sleep apnea. Because that means there’s something that can be done about my constant exhaustion. If I don’t have it, then I’m back to square one, which wouldn’t be fun.

But I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.

At the moment, all I’m thinking is:

I have a lovely girlfriend
I have a lovely flat
I have a lovely car
I have the company of two lovely doggies
I have lovely friends
I can afford all my bills
My debt is being paid montly by arrangement
I have some savings!!
I live wickedly close to the train station.
The weather is getting better all the time.
I have lost some weight
I have new stuff for the doggies coming in the post soon!

I’m a lucky girl..

Technicolour Treacle. Cute

I’m slowly recovering from Sinusitis. I’m still really tired, and randomly feel the urge to puke up now and again, but I’m still lots better than I was! I’m back at work, and had my review today. I always get nervous when it comes to review time. My boss is.. well.. laid back. Which is a good thing. But it makes me nervous sometimes, like I’ll get away with something and think it’s fine, then he’ll go to his manager and talk about his concerns, then I’ll be suddenly sacked. Catastrophic thinking. It’s that ‘time of the month’ again.. But it turns out I will get my pay rise this year. If they find enough money to pay me, that is. There are all sorts of promises of money to keep me employed, but crucially, nothing in writing (or even on email) to rely on. So I’m still not counting those chickens.

But the doggies are helping. Making sure I get up on a morning. Making sure I get out after work. I’ve lost 5 and a half pounds in the last month. I think some of that is due to not eating for 2 weeks while I was ill, and some of it is due to walking the doggies. (or ‘the babies’ as K and I call them now). So it’s all good.

I have my sleep study next week. I have to go in for 4pm to be wired up, then sleep over. I’ve been so so tired this week - waking up like I’ve been hit over the head with a mouldy chicken. It has been SO hard to get into work. I’m really really hoping that I have sleep apnea and that they can do something about it. Else it’s back to square one trying to find out why I’m so damned tired all the time! I saw a dietician the other day, and she reckons my diet isn’t actually that bad. (ok, it HAS improved quite a lot since we moved house and have a fresh vegetable shop round the corner!). She’s given me a few ideas. I wasn’t overly impressed with the service, but I’ll keep at it and see if anything comes of it. I also have a mental health appointment at the end of the month. So I’m trying to sort myself out

And I ‘cashed in’ one of my Christmas presents yesterday. K bought me a voucher to do my CBT on a motorcycle. So yesterday I learned how to ride a motorbike! I didn’t manage to get out and do the test, so I’m going back on Monday to hopefully do that (if I’m good enough to go out..). I got told off for going too fast. I just wanted to feel the wind on my face for a bit..

So. That’s the update. I haven’t really had much time to update recently. I have a routine. Come in from work, have a cup of tea out in the yard with the dogs, then take doggies out for a walk, come back, give doggies dinner, make my dinner, shower while it’s cooking. Eat dinner, watch tv, go to bed. Wash, rinse, repeat until the weekend. But it’s a good routine. And it is SO true about being busy.. In that it makes you want to DO more. I’m really keen to tackle the back yard with a pressure washer and get rid of all the weeds. I just haven’t had the time (or the right connector to connect the hose to our weird taps).

But anyway. It is now past my bedtime. It’s time for doggie snuggles….

Dear readers, I have been poorly bad recently. It all started over the Bank Holiday Weekend. I came home from a meeting looking forward to the long weekend. On the Saturday I took advantage of the Argos sale and bought a new television from the deposit cheque money I got back from the old flat. Lovely! I set it all up and put the old tv on freecycle. . I also bought a wireless range extender so I could get better wireless coverage from the living room.

And then I started to get a sore throat on Saturday evening. The next day I woke up feeling really rough. Pain in my head, stomach and constant runny nose. Turns out I’ve had infected sinuses. I’m still doped up on anti-biotics and steroids to deal with a chest infection too. So I’ve been lying on the sofa pretty much useless for about 2 weeks now. I finally started to be productive on Wednesday. I managed to actually get dressed and do some sweeping outside. Today I even went out by myself in the car to the shops to buy rugs.

We’re getting the doggies tomorrow, see. Mum is going away for a while, and K and I have volunteered our services to look after them! So we’ve been cleaning and getting rugs for them. THe whole flat is laminate floored, so there’s no grip for them to jump up on things. Hopefully that should be sorted now. So we’re going to drive about 3 hours to meet mum in the middle of the country with the dogs and swap. We’ll probably meet at about Watford Gap somewhere..

So for a wee while I might end up being one of those annoying people who only talks abou their dogs. But they’ll be lovely company. And it’ll be great when K is away in Spain with work - I’ll still have someone to come home to.

Rightio! Best be off.. I’m currently re-partitioning the hard drives on my computer. Taking a little longer than I expected. BUt I don’t have to be up until 11am tomorrow, so I should be ok

Take care dudes!

Well, I went to the Doctor’s. He said that it’s likely that I have Sleep Apnea. It is now just a case of finding out how bad it is. I have to be booked into a ’sleep study’ room so they can wire me up and analyse how I sleep. I have been sleeping so badly recently I’m just about to collapse I think. I think it’s a mixture of having a week off and just going back to work, getting used to a new bed, being too warm in our new flat and just being excited about things!

I got my deposit cheque back today from the old flat. I’m going to use the money to buy a new tv. But I’m a bit stuck. They are all SO expensive. And I want one that is going to last. The one I have at the moment has a high-pitched squeak that makes me feel ill after a while. Nobody else can hear it. But it’s awful! It needs to go. I also want a new computer monitor, a new office chair, a signal booster for my wireless router and an external hard drive. All I need to do now is decide which of these is priority or how many of them I can get out of my deposit cheque money…

I’m exhausted. I’ve just single-handedly moved our new sofa into the living room. The 2 removal men couldn’t do it. K couldn’t do it. But I’m a stubborn bugger and I didn’t want to send it back to the shop! I did worry for a while when it got completely stuck and would NOT move at all. I’d already hit the point of no return, so I had no choice but to climb over the sofa to the other side, hoping I didn’t fall through! And there’s only minimal *ahem* damage to the pointwork!

I went back to work today after a week off. I SO didn’t want to go back. I had a meeting at Head Office, then I went into the office after that. I tried phoning round agents and clients, but most were out so I eventually gave up and headed home on the train.

I have an appointment tomorrow at the hospital with a consultant.. The first of a few appointments I’ve booked. This one is to see whether I may have sleep apnea. It would explain a lot, and I DO snore very loudly and then just stop breathing during the night. So we’ll see. I’ve also got an appointment with a dietician during April. So hopefully, if I can get some more energy I might be able to get myself fitter and happier. But I reckon it’s going to take some time.. Though being able to read a book without falling asleep would be nice.

I’m currently playing back recorded programmes on our lovely Humax while I have a jacket potato and a garlic kiev in the oven.
The new sofa is looooverly.. It’s red and squishy and biiiiiiiiig Perfect! I’m off to enjoy it!